the moment you realize you’ve become toxic

the moment you realize you’ve become the toxic person you’ve always been afraid of.

i’ve never had the best habits, much like anyone else out there, but very recently i’ve had some of the closest people in my life sit me down and notify me that i’ve been practicing several toxic behaviors. and it’s not pretty.

i don’t want to be that, i don’t want to become the very thing i’ve despised all my life. growing up, i always told myself i would be nothing like that yet here i am making this post.

i’m going to try and fix myself, along with the relationships that i’ve destroyed or are hanging on by a thread.

 

recognizing what i’m doing wrong:

i get jealous very easily.

i do indeed have the habit of being jealous of everyone around me. im constantly comparing what i don’t have to what other people have, whether it be material items or certain relationships or bonds that i don’t have. i’ve struggled with this all my life, and everyone gets jealous, it’s just a natural thing. but sometimes i feel like i can definitely take it too far. last night i was on the phone with a close friend and she told me to make a list of things you’re grateful for, every day. it can be small things, relationships, even what you look forward to eating later. if you recognize what you have instead of what you don’t, you in turn become more grateful for said things. 

 

im rather passive aggressive.

i’m very guilty of this. i will be rather passive aggressive about any situation and it also taps into the brat in me. if things don’t go my way, i will respond in a tone that will most likely get the other person mad, or make them give in to what i want. it’s not healthy, and i want to control how i react when things don’t happen the way i want them to. the only way that i can think of to help me with this is therapy. in fact, i made my very first therapy appointment for early november, because when i say that i truly want to change my toxic behaviors, i mean it.

 

i turn to social media to release all my emotions.

i have a vent account on twitter and a “finsta” account on instagram, where minimal people follow me and that’s where i release my emotions. it’s toxic. no one cares about my feelings, and that’s not in a self-pity way, but genuinely, most of the people that follow me just want to see if i have any tea to spill. and i know that. but i still have both accounts because i feel like the only way i can successfully get over what emotions i’m feeling is to post about them. and that’s not cute. i know by that making this post i’m not really helping the situation of trying to less open on social media, but this is a way for me to document my progress, not wallow in self-pity, and maybe other people can relate and this might actually help other people recognize their own toxic behaviors. i deactivated all my social media accounts for 24 hours. i didn’t tell anyone, like the last time i did this. last time, i only deleted the apps, while this time i fully deactivated everything. granted, i redownloaded snapchat very quickly because it’s the only way to contact some people and it’s not like i was challenging myself. my brain just needed a break. i’ve recently got back twitter, but not my vent account. instagram is still deactivated and deleted on my phone. it helped clear my head, and it was much needed

 

i gossip more than i want to

coming from a small town, everyone knows everything about everyone else. that’s always how it’s been. and it sucks. moving to college 4 hours away was the best decision i’ve ever made, because i only know like 4 people here and i all trust them, no one else knows my business. but i still find myself talking about the people back home, as my roommate in college is from my hometown, too. i still find myself caught up in whatever drama is going down at my old highschool, because i still have friends in high school who catch me up on the gossip. in all honesty, i’ve been tired of “spilling the tea” for a while, because it’s none of my business. i don’t want people talking about me, so why am i talking about other people? it’s also just exhausting to try and be caught up on everything. it’s just not worth it.

 

i blame other people for my problems

anytime something goes wrong in my life, i try to blame it on anyone else besides myself. i blame it on my unstable family, other toxic friends, etc. yes, some problems may stem from them but i need to learn how to own up and take responsibility for my own actions. i can’t go the rest of my life not taking responsibility for things i’ve done wrong. the only solution to this as well is therapy, and learning how to step up and admit that i’ve done something wrong when it happens.

 

i play victim

this goes hand-in-hand with the previous toxic trait, but most of the time when someone calls me out for doing something wrong, i subconsciously turn it around on them, because i never want to be the one at fault. and that’s childish, gross, and just straight up toxic. i need to realize that i make mistakes, just like everyone else. im not perfect, im not always the one being attacked.

 

everyone has their toxic behaviors, it’s just how you learn to handle them.

i’m being raw and real about this because i want to own up to my mistakes and learn from them. i want to learn how to handle things properly and actually be a good human. and i’m not saying that this happens overnight, or even in a few days. it takes practice, it takes work, it takes consciously making the decision to be a better person. your toxic traits never disappear, you just learn how to handle and manage them. they’ll always be in the back of your mind, but by learning other coping mechanisms and ways to deal with things, the toxic ones won’t be as prevalent. this is all about me being open and honest, realizing that i do have faults and that’s okay.

i want this to become a little series, because maybe it can help people, but maybe it won’t. basically, this is just a way for me to document my progress, and if it helps people along the way, then i’m glad.

 

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